Rumors about Brett Favre

Rumors about Brett Favre

1. After watching the first six seasons of “House, M.D.,” the Vikings quarterback became convinced that his legendary football skills translated into medical skills. For months, he visited a local hospital in Minnesota and “diagnosed” patients, much to their delight. Things soured when Favre started diagnosing almost every patient with Munchausen by Proxy syndrome. “You’re poisoning your child on purpose,” Favre would tell confused and terrified patients, many of whom did not have children. “I’m placing you under citizen’s arrest.”

Dr. Favre, as he was known, has been banned from clinical duties, although Favre himself insists that he wasn’t forced out of the medical profession. “I retired,” Favre told reporters as he hung up his white lab coat for the last time.

2. Whenever the grizzled quarterback cites a “wise council of elders,” he’s actually just referring to himself. For example, “A wise council of elders thinks you should feed your dog another snausage,” or “A wise council of elders thinks you have a bright future as a flight attendant.”

3. Brett Favre is 40.  This means he’s 280 in “dog years,” but in “quarterback years,” he’s well over 4,000. Consider this for a moment: most Redwood trees are younger than that.

4. Whenever he boards an airplane, the future hall-of-famer politely but firmly asks the flight attendant to “Please rename this aircraft ‘Favre Force One.'” Occasionally, he’ll explain that it’s “because I’m the president of the Brett Favre Appreciation Society.” Usually, flight attendants humor him.
Recently, though, en route to a game in Oakland, a flight attendant refused to honor his request and the quarterback became agitated. After the flight attendant threatened to have him “impeached,” however, Favre became quiet and pulled out a stack of paperwork. “I’ll be signing bills into law now, thank you,” he said by way of dismissal.

5. Since the age of four, Favre has spelled the word “dirty” with two “r’s.” Because any other combination upsets the veteran quarterback, his maid sorts his clothes into three piles: “clean,” “dirty,” and “dirrty.”

6. To date, Favre has not purchased a flatscreen television from Sears. Sears insists that it will not set a deadline for the purchase.

7. Remember that the future hall-of-famer was born in a bygone era which values and even cherishes the English language. Words that anger Favre: “hepcat,” “shoegaze,” “tuber,” “druthers,” and “Hillarycare.” If you speak all these words to him in a coherent sentence, he will simply explode.

8. After signing with the Minnesota Vikings, Favre called a meeting with coach Brad Childress wherein he insisted that the team’s Wildcat package be called either “The Wild Favre” or “The Favre Cat.” Knowing the team did not have a Wildcat option, Childress chose the latter and both men walked away feeling like winners.

9. Favre has been known to call a local Minnesota pizza shop and order a fish taco. When informed that fish tacos are not on the menu, Favre will pause for a few seconds and then say, “What about now?” As of today, the pizza shop has changed its phone number seventeen times.

10. Brett Favre invented…the drumroll.