Glory awaits the person or persons who can procure me:

An expert on primates (preferably Chimpanzees)

Someone knowledgeable about rare Chinese teas and calligraphy

Someone who speaks fluent Swedish

A combat veteran of the recent wars in Afghanistan or Iraq

An old-fashioned barber who shaves facial hair with a straight razor

*It would be great if you could find one person who fits all the above criteria.

Rewards to choose from:

I will stop defaming you on Twitter

I will perform for you a one-man interpretive reenaction of the movie Blade Runner, complete with voices

A third-round draft pick in next season’s fantasy football league

A plastic cup full of paperclips in assorted sizes

What I’m working on:

A story inspired by Julian Assange’s James Bond Bunker

A story inspired by the movie Project X

A series of poems about the census

An essay about Picasso, The Boy Scouts, and haunted houses

Drink: Anchor Steam beer
Classic album: Led Zeppelin, IV
Current Album: Hot Chip, One Night Stand
Recent purchase: Ikea bookshelf
Weapon of Choice: A boombox that plays RUN-DMC’s “It’s Like That” at intolerable volumes

All bunkers should be James Bond-inspired.