Usain Bolt runs so fast because he owes Brett Favre money. Although the NFL quarterback recently sent Bolt a text message saying, “Let’s get together and feel all right,” Bolt–correctly–assumed it was a veiled threat and didn’t reply.
Author: robertyune
Today’s Favre Rumor
Before the NFC championship game in 1995, Favre claimed he saw a UFO. “I was warming up when it appeared over the field. It was basically a hovering disk with orange lights. It was a cloudless sky–I know what I saw.” When asked what he thought the UFO wanted, Favre responded, “I didn’t really care…I flipped it off and it flew away.”
Break out your Theremin and your trenchcoat. The truth is out there, Brett.
Rejection Letters Translated
If you’re a writer, you’ve probably received several rejection letters, each more cryptic than the last. To help contextualize how editors “really feel” about your work, I have analyzed literally millions of rejection letters I’ve received in order to develop these translations.
Rejection: “Unfortunately, we must pass on your work at this time.”
Translation: “Train wrecks are supposed to be entertaining.”
Rejection: “Your story does not meet our current editorial needs.”
Translation: “You’ve been reading a lot of Hemingway lately, haven’t you?
Rejection: “Although we cannot use your work at the time, we encourage you to try us again.”
Translation: Your feeble attempts at constructing a narrative amuse us.
Rejection: “Thanks for trying us. Although we won’t be publishing this piece, we wish you the best.”
Translation: “Curl into a ball and die slowly.”
Rejection: “Your use of second-person was intriguing, but, unfortunately, we aren’t going to publish this piece.”
Translation: You suddenly recall that time in workshop when you wrote a story in the second-person. You remember how all your classmates rolled their eyes. You remember someone saying, “I’ve seen more interesting command lists on a DOS screen.” You consider how you’d just been subjected to a computer programming-based insult. Tears roll down your face.
Rejection: “I have decided not to include your story in our upcoming issue.”
Translation: “Inspired by the movie “The Quick and the Dead,” we the editors have pooled our money together and hired someone to assassinate you. Your life just got more exciting—vastly more exciting, incidentally, than your short story.”
Rejection: “Your work is unique, but it simply doesn’t meet our editorial needs.”
Translation: “We wanted ‘Flesh Fiction,’ not ‘Flash Fiction.’ Idiot.”
Rejection: “Thanks for trying us! We’re sorry we can’t publish your piece.”
Translation: “We suspect you are a twelve year-old child.”
Favre Rumors: Draft Edition
Years ago, Brett Favre mistakenly referred to former Florida QB Tim Tebow as “Tim Elbow.” No one corrected him then or since, and many Favre experts fear what he will do when he finds out the truth. “He’ll be furious and think everyone’s been laughing at him this whole time,” one Favre expert predicted. “It’s kind of weird that [Favre] never figured it out, but he’s a complex man.” Some Vikings fans have petitioned Tebow to change his last name, to no avail.
Super Bowl XXXI
During a press conference prior to Super Bowl XXXI, a reporter asked Favre what kind of music he listened to. Without hesistation, Favre responded, “Body Jazz.” Followup questions regarding Body Jazz (especially what it was) were met with stony silence.
Today’s anagram
for “Robert Yune”: Rebury note.
Courtesy of Wordsmith.com’s anagram generator.
Helmut < Air Bud: Golden Receiver
In his younger days, Favre would play catch with Helmut, the family’s golden retriever. Instead of a frisbee, Favre threw a regulation-sized football and seemed disappointed every time the dog couldn’t fit the ball into its mouth to return it. “Some retriever,” Favre would mutter before walking over to the ball, winding up and throwing it again.
Rumors about Brett Favre
1. After watching the first six seasons of “House, M.D.,” the Vikings quarterback became convinced that his legendary football skills translated into medical skills. For months, he visited a local hospital in Minnesota and “diagnosed” patients, much to their delight. Things soured when Favre started diagnosing almost every patient with Munchausen by Proxy syndrome. “You’re poisoning your child on purpose,” Favre would tell confused and terrified patients, many of whom did not have children. “I’m placing you under citizen’s arrest.”
Dr. Favre, as he was known, has been banned from clinical duties, although Favre himself insists that he wasn’t forced out of the medical profession. “I retired,” Favre told reporters as he hung up his white lab coat for the last time.
2. Whenever the grizzled quarterback cites a “wise council of elders,” he’s actually just referring to himself. For example, “A wise council of elders thinks you should feed your dog another snausage,” or “A wise council of elders thinks you have a bright future as a flight attendant.”
3. Brett Favre is 40. This means he’s 280 in “dog years,” but in “quarterback years,” he’s well over 4,000. Consider this for a moment: most Redwood trees are younger than that.
4. Whenever he boards an airplane, the future hall-of-famer politely but firmly asks the flight attendant to “Please rename this aircraft ‘Favre Force One.'” Occasionally, he’ll explain that it’s “because I’m the president of the Brett Favre Appreciation Society.” Usually, flight attendants humor him.
Recently, though, en route to a game in Oakland, a flight attendant refused to honor his request and the quarterback became agitated. After the flight attendant threatened to have him “impeached,” however, Favre became quiet and pulled out a stack of paperwork. “I’ll be signing bills into law now, thank you,” he said by way of dismissal.
5. Since the age of four, Favre has spelled the word “dirty” with two “r’s.” Because any other combination upsets the veteran quarterback, his maid sorts his clothes into three piles: “clean,” “dirty,” and “dirrty.”
6. To date, Favre has not purchased a flatscreen television from Sears. Sears insists that it will not set a deadline for the purchase.
7. Remember that the future hall-of-famer was born in a bygone era which values and even cherishes the English language. Words that anger Favre: “hepcat,” “shoegaze,” “tuber,” “druthers,” and “Hillarycare.” If you speak all these words to him in a coherent sentence, he will simply explode.
8. After signing with the Minnesota Vikings, Favre called a meeting with coach Brad Childress wherein he insisted that the team’s Wildcat package be called either “The Wild Favre” or “The Favre Cat.” Knowing the team did not have a Wildcat option, Childress chose the latter and both men walked away feeling like winners.
9. Favre has been known to call a local Minnesota pizza shop and order a fish taco. When informed that fish tacos are not on the menu, Favre will pause for a few seconds and then say, “What about now?” As of today, the pizza shop has changed its phone number seventeen times.
10. Brett Favre invented…the drumroll.
Today’s Anagram
for “Robert Yune”: Buoy Renter.
Courtesy of Wordsmith.com’s anagram generator.
March Madness
My bracket can be found here. Thanks a lot, Georgetown.
Robert Yune 